Double standards

I’m a major victim of applying double-standards in my life... Double standards, prejudice, moodiness and materialism to a certain extent... Some negative traits this generation is infamous for I reckon... Not accepting the fact that other people do tend to treat me using the “double-standards” technique while expecting the opposite to be normal is a bloody double standard indeed...

At some point I admit it gets staggering, when unforeseen circumstances for other people are more than convincing and acceptable excuses, while they are conceived as lies when used by yours truly... I’m a self-centred attention whore for this and that, while you’re the coolest thing since fucking sliced bread for the same...

I know my mind does not function as brilliantly as you ‘people’, I know that my genes are not as advanced and superior as you and your whole families and ancestors, yes, you people are all far more superior to me in every single fucking way, now get back to your ultra-cool lives and delicate tastes instead of wasting your time with a loser who values you for who you actually are

Shame... Shame...

...

Blank... But the only two words that come to mind at this very moment are:
Utterly disappointed...

"Home"

...

Do I follow different moral standards to the rest of the planet? I know for a matter of fact that my common sense is fvked up, or nonexistent at times, but still...

Maybe I am actually the one who is outdated, ignorant, stupid, spoiled, naive and not able to achieve (Or determine) what I want? Maybe I have to go through great lengths for some things that I 'assume' I am in utter need for...

As much as I would like to convince myself otherwise, but I hugely doubt I have any self-awareness whatsoever. I don't really know my limitations, but what is more worrying is that I don't know my capabilities and what I might be capable of doing, or how good (Or bad) I actually am as an individual... Maybe I do have a great mental capacity, after all, I tend to over analyze everything sometimes... I don't like thinking of myself as 'young', because that thought was abolished a while ago, it's a paradox, I mentally find people in their mid or late 20's young, while I do not think of myself as such for some reason... Maybe I am wasting away... Drifting away from reality...

Maybe I need an eye-opener... Maybe one day I will come to terms with who I really am... Maybe one day someone else will love me and take me for who I fucking am, for being different in my own fucked up way

bla bla bla

For the ones who give (Or eat) a carrot, this was typed a couple of days ago while collecting questionnaires… Didn’t have the time after that to post it, yesterday was extremely hectic, and today is hectic as well, catching my breath before yet another job interview…

Movers booked for the 2nd of June, not bad, glad that we’re not taking much of the old furniture along with us, only the relatively new electronics as far as I know (No, my 2 or 3 year old PC is not old, I insist on taking it, it can be really reliable when the laptop disappoints).

Collecting more surveys at the moment, tedious process, can’t wait till this questionnaire collection process is all but over in a few days (Hopefully), should be done with this by next week, the whole thesis is due in a month’s time, yippee. I thought I was behind when compared to others, seems I’m more or less at a similar stage as most, apart from the geniuses who are better than time management than me I guess. I can’t believe I barely did anything in April, would’ve saved me a lot of time (And thinking) I reckon, but hey, working hard (Or in this particular case, trying) never killed anyone… I don’t mind the free dinners along the way while collecting surveys, although I’ve been characteristically hesitant to abuse the privilege.

Job hunting too, interviews, presentations, recommendations, suggestions, career advices and so on, that’s what has also been going on in the past few days (Since last Thursday to be precise), got several more to come, the one I am looking forward to the most though at the moment is one that is for a enviable spot on a career development program by one of the industry trend setters here in Dubai (And soon globally), it is aiming to recruit some Arabic speaking people in the region… I hope I am not jinxing my already not so glorious chances by talking (Well, typing) about it, but I’ve been waiting for this opportunity to come around again. Missed out the last time since I wasn’t really inspired to participate or even bothered to try my luck against some of the finest talents that applied from all over the world, as I kind of realised that I would be punching way above my weight, and I was not quite convinced yet back then about the whole program (Nor was I keen on working in the industry) , but now that one of my classmates has deservedly been picked, and hearing first hand about his experience thus far, it’s quite tempting… I can go on for hours about the pay in the industry, but to be fair, of my limited knowledge and experience, it is this industry that I have the slightest clue about, easy money made in other jobs goes as fast as it comes perhaps (I emphasize on ‘job’ rather than career)… Got to think of some so-called nonexistent “qualities and exceptional attributes” that might get me picked ahead of the Jassims Mansoors of this world. Jolly.

Life is quite ironic… What makes such paradoxes easier to take is that what goes around comes around eventually, quoting Aaron Lewis of Staind “Everything must come full circle”…

...

Knackered and I barely started! Oh boy, I’m going to be in for the shock of my life when I start actual work!

In & Out

Moving out in about 2-3 weeks, graduating in 40 or so days, not bad, eh?

Most of the stuff (Read: Crap) that had to be sorted out for our house have more or less been taken care of, it’s being painted now, so we are waiting till that is done, then the curtains people will install the er, curtains… Guess after that it’s just a matter of organizing the deliveries of the furniture from the various shops, guess it will be a pain in the backside (From a logistical perspective)… Garden needs a lot of work apparently, but that will be taken care of too… Electronics will be a hassle too, making sure everything works, the satellite, telephone and internet subscriptions all up and running (I’m kind of excited about the wireless, hope we’ll be able to make it reach every bit of the whole thing, including the backyard :)).

Spider (The cat) will have his small tiny opening where he will be locked up when he is being naughty or when someone is trying to get some sleep in the living room but can’t because he keeps on jumping on them. Will keep his food in my room so he kind of gets attached to it (My room that is, he is already attached to food, lazy fat arsed cat!)

Mmm, what else? Dissertation is the same, slow progress, but getting somewhere, I still find it quite irrelevant to our future careers, and way too academic for people in the fourth year of a hotel management degree, an industry that requires more practical and operational knowledge and awareness, not theoretical and/or academic… But anyway, I guess this is the case with other majors, heck, a friend of mine did film making and had to do a dissertation as well, so there you go.

Photography-wise, had the first shoot with a friend in a long time recently, was quite fun and I liked the outcome of the pictures in general… Got to try different settings that I didn’t experiment with before, and realized that my general lens is quite crap (For the fellow photography and Canon geeks: Sigma 18-200 OS)… Mind you, it’s OK, but as I found out myself, it’s not the best out there. Next on my list: Either a fish-eye lens or the long awaited wide-angle lens! (Sigma 10-20mm!)

Summer plans, mentioned that in a previous post? Not quite sure. Confirmed: Jordan (*Yawn*) in August with the family. NOT confirmed: Jordan and Germany in July with a couple of friends. Wonder how many graduation gifts one can ask for :P

A small rant- I just hope people would stop asking me “Oh, you haven’t finished it yet?” when they ask about the dissertation, it’s not your typical kind of school project that you can finish from start to finish in two days (Or less).

Football: Would rather not go in to that, didn’t have a lot of expectations this year, and we (Liverpool) had a disappointing season in the premier league… Our showing in Europe is a plus, wasn’t the main objective, although I admit reaching the European cup final for the 3rd time in FOUR years would have been quite remarkable, but as said before, fate can be a little slut sometimes, we rode our luck against Inter and Arsenal (and on other occasions in previous seasons), so it was about time that the run of luck ended… Torres , Babel and Mascherano are bloody legends though… Well, till next season… I just hope the bloody Tom Hicks don’t fvk things up all over again as they did before :(… and in Rafa we trust!

p.s. I don’t think I really believe in the sayings “They are no longer on speaking terms” & “Their relationship is beyond repair”. That is how the media describe the defunct relationship between the owners of Liverpool, Tom Hicks and George Gillette. I mean I know that they don't talk to each other, but I am referring to myself, for some reason I don't think that such things on a personal level are "beyond repair"... Guess I'm quite stubborn...

Moving out, dissertation and so-called relationships

Just to let you know, half of this was typed on Thursday May 8th, while the remainder was typed on the morning of Friday May 10th. (As if anyone gives a carrot).

So, thanks to the “Jumeirah Garden City” project we are forced to move out from our ‘headquarters’ (As mentioned in the previous post). A project that nobody knows exactly anything about, nobody has the master plan and nobody knows how it will look like. All what is known now is that they are demolishing small areas of land here and there. Based on two maps that indicate that the compound we live in is amongst those set to be destroyed, we decided that maybe we should just stop wondering whether it is true or not and start looking for a new place. We found a new one pretty quickly and got the contractual agreements and stuff sorted out, but the problems increase by the day. Furniture that is “definitely available” now suddenly becomes sold out the next day, promises by the landlord to do some basic maintenance works before we move out are never carried out and keep on getting delayed, snags in the bathrooms and in general are another worry that the mysterious landlord is not really bothered about (We have to deal with someone else). But to be fair, most of these problems just need a bit of work and patience, and even if they are not sorted, some of them are not major problems… Should be staying there in about two or so weeks hopefully, so let’s see how things turn out. It’s significantly bigger than our current ‘crib’, it’s near my university (As if it makes a difference now, when I have less than 2 months to finish off my last semester!), closer to where my father works and the school of my small sister.

University is alright, barely going there anymore, this dissertation is quite endless though, taking ages just to do the preliminary stuff like the literature review and the pilot study, but it should sort itself out with time and as I get used to working on it, dread going to the library and looking for resources to analyze information and such. But one’s gotta do what one’s gotta do I guess, it is not like I will get to spend much time ever again there after the end of these two not-so-lovely months, and by the way, this is the point in time in every semester that I start contemplating whether such courses and projects are relevant at all. On one hand, it should be useful when (And if) I decide to pursue a masters degree, but otherwise, what good would a dissertation be really in this major? So far I only see it as a corner-cutting practice to make up the total number of required credit hours (It’s worth nine credit hours, rather than the typical three, yey).

Starting to look for a job, but not so intensely, no rush, I’ll have to work and build my career for the rest of my sad life anyway. Talking about ‘sad lives’, I guess I already lead one. When it takes you more than a year (And counting) to get over someone who doesn’t really care or even remember you, then that is quite sad indeed. I guess it is part of my personality, that, along with the small incident I ranted about on DeviantArt with the so-called ‘consultant’ kind of proved to me that I find it quite hard to take things in my stride and more importantly, accepting that rejection is something ‘normal’ and not that awful really. Maybe I should write a bit about my take on relationships, but I have limited experience with that, heck, I never even dated properly (Or at all) in the first place… But on a second thought, you never know… All I can say is that the fear of rejection and losing not only a friend, but a loved one, makes it quite complicated and complex to get into one, I never really believed in casual relationships either.

God knows when I will have a second read of this and realise the ridiculous amount of similarly ridiculous spelling and grammar mistakes this post has, just like all the others

Again...

All this happened recently...

I quit smoking (Last night’s puffs of a messed up argeelah don’t count)

Started working out

Did something stupid

Wished I could be somewhere else

Almost got into another retarded accident in the university’s parking lot

Stayed awake for 20+ hours and slept for the following 18 hours

Tried to convince myself of some fundamental issues, but to no avail

Got myself yet another camera

Thought about the past 12 or so years spent at our soon to be demolished ‘home’, thus, leading to an actual state of “looking for a place called home”
Had a few nightmares and déjà vu moments, not good

Got back to reality, maybe I should just hide in my bedroom forever

Realised that some things are significantly easier said than done

Found out the hard way that karma and fate can be a little slut sometimes

*cough cough*

Paying the price for a few days of pure madness, seeing Above & Beyond in Beirut, beating Arsenal in the Champions League and meeting several new friends and learning a thing or two about a fascinating country. The constant change of weather + smoking indefinable amounts of sheesha has gotten me a nasty flu, headache and a running nose. Yey! Slowly getting better though, slowly

Scorchin'

Taken away, astonished, surprised, blown away, dumbfounded, are all words that perfectly describe how my feelings were last night, some still linger, but lack of sleep and fatigue is overwhelming. The memories are imprinted in my memory forever.

This place is messed up in a fascinating way, the unique mix of pretty much everything here is probably unorthodox anywhere else in the world.

Beirut, I love you! A proper post to follow hopefully, I was planning to do a similar travel blog or diary, similar to what I did last summer, but didn’t really have much time, laptop’s battery doesn’t help either when it keeps on running out after 40 minutes! (Or less), but hey, being out and about is better than being stuck in a hotel room ;)
Back in Dubai in a few hours

The art of dissing

Typed this around 24 hours ago, couldn’t upload it due to the internet issue I had (mentioned below). Happy reading

This is endless… Well, endless for three more months… Doing a dissertation, as I am sadly finding out is not something that you can finish huge chunks of quickly, it's a tedious, continuous and painstakingly endless process of work, work and more work… Once you have something in place you have to re-do it, re-look at it, examine it, analyze it and you can't just 'finish it', you have to go back to it at some latter point… It is something you have to follow through rigorously, it's true that this should be the case with everything really, but I'm finding out by doing this that I am NOT a perfectionist, I don't like relooking at things I already did, because I don't like finding silly mistakes that are always bound to be there, not the most professional attitude, and definitely not one for someone who claims to try to improve himself, but hey, nobody is perfect. I try to make the original as good as possible… Although I have to succumb eventually and ask someone to proof read it for my lazy ass.
Been having router problems for the past three or so hours, relying on an unreliable and unsecured network from one of our lovely neighbours to access the internet, thankfully I don't need it desperately now, but it's just annoying… Especially when the internet connection has supposedly been 'upgraded', something that we're yet to experience, hope this router failure and my persistent nagging will lead to even more changes in the I.T. Infrastructure at the O residences

For the time being, I have to find a way to motivate myself to read at least two more articles

Getting there

Funny ol’ game.

I had my first job interview yesterday, I like to convince myself that I did well, thanks 4-years of studying (almost) and my relatively limited experience in life and half-decent talking skills. I doubt I will be offered anything since the property doesn’t open for another 3 years, but we’ll see... Haven’t had interviews for quite a while... The school work has more or less reached a halt, couldn’t motivate myself to continue, but will try to be slightly productive today, somehow.

Random- I wish I could harm someone, had the opportunity before but couldn’t, maybe I’m either too ‘nice’ or just too stupid. Cannot understand you anymore, I guess this is what happens when the person in front of you is either extremely intelligent, or absolutely retarded.

False state

One of those long days, practically almost over, should be asleep and get ready for an even more hectic day, running out of time while still being in my comfort zone, not realising that it’s time to start doing actual work. Keeping on convincing myself that I have half the work cut out by my previous efforts before the little logic in my head tells me that it’s not enough, endless cycle really. Losing track of my surroundings; I admit I never had a proper sense of place or time (Especially the latter), so when someone like me says that, than that means something! At this very moment, I think I’m taking things for granted. Not good.

I feel the whole of 2007 has come and again very quickly, it wasn’t a particularly bad year or anything, in fact, it was probably another major turning point, but still, when I look back at general trivial events like the last world cup, when I got my car, certain courses and some events, I get the feeling that the whole year didn’t even count or exist in the calendar... Seems I’m not the only one with that damned sentiment either, “N” is there too... Can’t blame her, more or less similar situations, but some people have more at stake than others. Waiting, praying and hoping does not always yield positive results, learning that the hard way

Trying to figure out my mental strength is not easy, or fun...

Projectation

One week into the semester and I haven’t done ANYTHING for my dissertation, I don’t have a research question, haven’t considered the variables, NOTHING... I guess I will use the excuse of having another project to worry about when I meet my supervisor tomorrow afternoon. I still have the gut feeling that it should not be as hard as I imagine or as hard as they try to make us think...

Have to give credit to K for an amazing set, as usual, brought back many memories of starting to listen to trance, old car, old friends, old everything that reminds me of those times two or three years ago... Didn’t hear the whole thing yet, but hearing Ferry Corsten’s remix of Aven’s “All I want” was more than enough I guess! Ferry at his best probably

As far as R is concerned, I wish he’d stop confusing me and giving me those scares every now and then. Had a good weekend though, didn’t do much school-related, but still...
One last thing- Etisalat = Greed!

My half-arsed attempt at a rant

The following things suck:

Politics, anything from presidential elections to the lack of any global condemnation of the so-called self-defence carried out against children and women in Gaza

George Gillett and Tom Hicks, and their “dreamland” dreams and stubbornness, how many drinks do we have to spill on Tom’s son? How many chants, banners and God knows what else do we have to come up with to make you dumb asses realise that you are not welcome at Anfield? Get the hell out ffs

Traffic, yes, it does suck, and no, the metro won’t solve this city’s traffic issues

The weather, seriously, how many times can one possibly get the flu in one winter season?! Let alone a whole year.

Relationships: note to self- there is no perfect match or a match made in heaven. Get over it, if you’re not willing to make sacrifices and if you still think that real love exists, then maybe you should get your head fixed.

Friendships, sigh

Dubai ‘raves’, they aren’t actual raves, how often do you go to an actual rave and see people in neat dresses and suits?

Tech-trance is shit compared to uplifting...

Bla bla bla

So it’s already March, indecisive about a few things, how to carry out my dissertation (and where), where to work, whether to give a hoot or not about the consultancy project, work in the same field of my major or seek new and different challenges, start applying or stay put and wait to see what fate (And wasta) might throw my way. Where to go, what to do in the summer, use the last few months of being a student to go to places on someone else’s expense (In other words: my folks).

Working on an external consultancy project now, which is one of two courses in my last ever semester at the university I currently go to. Having to wake up at 6 AM and report to ‘work’ by 7 AM is not really an experience I’m fond of, given my tendency to stay up late, add to that natural sleeping disorders and you have a recipe of a grumpy ‘worker’. Thankfully I don’t really have to do anything serious, as the work revolves mainly around observing and discussing with employees the current procedures and the nature of their jobs, in addition to assisting and doing bits and pieces of what they do, to get an idea of the nature of work and give suggestions on how to improve it. Thing is though, I doubt there is much we can do really or come up with that has not been discussed previously or suggested already. Fortunately, I am doing this project with a classmate, as we had the option to do it individually or in groups of two people. And by the way, I was supposedly off for the past month, but started this earlier than we’re supposed to. My partner in this project is not ‘dissertating’, thus it was in our interest to start it earlier and get it out of the way for me, and get him finally graduated. =)

Supposedly upgraded the internet to a 4 MB connection, but it’s quite irrelevant when the router is of pathetic quality, now I have to go through another hassle to choose a new router and install it (Read: Get someone to install it and test it). Talking about the internet, haven’t updated my ‘mobile’ blog (http://omthego.blogspot.com) for a while as for some reason, on the rare occasions that I feel like updating it, the service encounters a ‘failure’, typical Etisalat...

Saw Blake Jarrell and Armin last week, as a set, Armin’s set was fine, a bit confusing, but overall, significantly better than PvD, certainly kept the crowd going (But not me, tech-trance and house-ish stuff are not really my thing... Finally got the time to sit down and try to write up some mini personal review of the event. As a whole experience, there were some disappointing bits that had NOTHING to do with Armin’s set, just personal crap... Nothing coming up in the next month or so trance-wise apart from Sander Van Doorn, which means more tech-trance, although I’ve been hearing that his album is quite good, yet to listen to it though... Not expecting much, sometimes I get more excited by listening on my own to radio shows and sets on my laptop or on the radio.
Above & Beyond are playing in Beirut in less than a month, contemplating going, seriously. I missed their gig here for ludicrous reasons, hopefully I will be able to go, just got to get things organised a bit at uni with the two projects mentioned earlier. On a totally different note, thinking about deactivating my Facebook account (Again)... It confuses me sometimes.

Almost there

Finally this hell-ish week is almost over. Had relatives visiting (And vomiting) from Oman staying in my room, had to ‘stay’ at the university’s dorms. The iPod has retired and the car has ‘axel’ issues to be sorted out (In addition to the lovely squeaky brakes), that overrated idiot called Tiesto is playing here again, couldn’t care less about him... Why pay an over the odds amount to see him play a typical and predictable set on Valentine’s day (Out of all days). Would rather go see one of my friends spin some house (Although it’s not my ‘thing’, nothing compares to trance) but on the plus side, he’s underrated and talented (And nice, not an arrogant dickhead. Talking about trance, Armin is visiting these shores again, and the Anjunaboys (Above & Beyond) are playing in the Middle East again, this time in Beirut. Time to make up for missing out on their gig here and revive some 2007 summer memories, hopefully I will be able to make it.

On a positive note, sister has sold off her old car and getting a new one within a few days (Probably before the weekend), got my old camera and zoom lens back and was told that I’ll be able to get some additional accessories for my camera, yey! A few months away from graduation too, not bad. Will probably miss uni days, but I have a feeling it won’t be the last time, I’ll probably occupy myself at some point in my career with courses, seminars and such (As long as it’s out of someone else’s pockets of course. Greed!). Spider had that surgery, was dizzy for a day or two before getting hyper all over again, poor thing is terrified though thanks to our extremely adorable (NOT!!!!) guests.

Another thing, stopped really tracking the number of visitors to this blog and other useless trivial details related to it, lost interest, more importantly, why should I bother? As if it makes a difference anymore.

Cynical

Maybe I do actually think a bit too much sometimes and try to overanalyze everything… Trying to read more into things, events, facts and so on might be good sometimes, but when it’s done excessively, it becomes a burden as you tend to doubt everything when thinking that “Dam, there must be more to it which might be hidden”… Sometimes one should literally calm down… Maybe some things ARE exactly like how they seem to be, believe it or not… Insecurity perhaps?
MLV’s remix of Sun Is Shining just popped into my head for no reason.

Karma...

اشوف فيكم يوم بس أنا... حسبي الله و نعم الوكيل
كما تدين تدان

Depressing that one sometimes has no choice but to deal with low-lives like you. Karma will find a fucking way to bring all the bad karma you brought to me back to you, whether I will be there to witness it is irrelevant because I know it will happen someday, somewhere... Everything happens for a reason