Year-end update

So, as 2009 draws to a close, I think it is about time I made some of that (Time that is) for this humble little public semi-diary of mine.

So, few more days to go before a new decade commences, one that promises nothing but more political unrest, a fateful and devastating depression, more hunger and probably more natural disasters (And if the Mayans or whatever they are called got their calculations right, mankind has less than 3 years to go before we cease to exist).

What has this year brought upon me as a not so modest, yet somewhat timid ‘young’ man? (Depending on your take on ages, but that’s a whole different and very subjective argument that I’d rather not go into)

- More progressive trance (The genre has mellowed down over the years and has become far more proggy than how it used to be 2 or 3 years ago. Not that I mind though. Armin & Above & Beyond amongst other trance djs are doing a remarkable and very impressive job in changing the perception of the once taboo ‘T word’… Very good year for Armin and the Anjunaboys, and a very impressive one for the likes of Markus Schulz, Cosmic Gate, DJ Shah, Gareth Emery, Ronski Speed, John O’Callaghan, Super8 & DJ Tab amongst others whom have been working tirelessly in their studios and on the road. Well done gentlemen

- Still single, which may not be an entirely bad thing looking at the rough patches some (Read- Most) of my supposedly ‘more fortunate’ acquaintances and/or friends have had with their supposedly loved ones. Again, I think I’m better off alone. Too complicated, random and incessantly annoying to be with someone. If things are not meant to be, then so freakin’ be it. Won’t bust a gut over people who are not really worthy of my attention, care or time just for the sake of it (And that is saying something, since I do a LOT of things just for the sake of it)


- Football- Last season was not bad, this one is simply one to forget… I know it’s not over yet, not ‘til the fat lady sings at least, but we’re out of Europe and with a hapless and ridiculously inconsistent league record (Beating Everton and then losing to a team like Pompey that was rooted to the bottom of the table and without any sort of liquidity or freakin’ cash flow)… Oh well, at least Man U are not faring much better domestically (But I still hold that belief that they are the ones that will lift the title come May to surpass our record of league titles *sobs*)

- What else? Hmm… Been getting closer to my elder sister over the past year, and I mean really close… I admit, we never really got along before, but I don’t know why, over the past year or so (Basically after I entered the workforce and left the comfort zone of university) we have gotten closer and we talk far more often nowadays than we used to… Guess I might have matured a tad. Not complaining, loivin’ it actually! She has been extremely supportive and helpful… Bless you Susuuu =)

I am sure there are other things to babble about that happened in ’09, but for the time being, this is what my half-awake brain can conjure up at this late hour (Or half-asleep brain, again depends on your outlook and perspective on life. It’s not like it has ever been optimized in its operation over the past few months of somewhat mind-numbing tedious work, but as we say, hamdella for everything, and as usual, patience is the key)

Back to the effin' drawing board

I think I should get into the drawing board business; I keep on going back to that more often than not

Rather lame attempt at cracking a joke I reckon, not the funniest soul out there.

I seriously need to change, and it has to come from within… You blew it, but I don’t blame you really... Or maybe it’s the uncertainty that’s frightening you.

Oh well...

Dark thought (Somewhat realistic)

Not sure if this should count as a dark gloomy thought or a sign of maturing and moving forward. Never was the best in judgment really, so I will just follow my hunch as time goes by…

I was thinking about how my life has been going thus far, and thinking about my interactions with people and my so-called friendships with people (Can’t really include relationships because there haven’t really been any despite my delusion). From all those, the one thing that is common across the board in many of them is the fact that none lasted for long. A lot of normal people (Yes, I tend to consider myself as an eccentric outcast) would have someone or some people that they can confidently refer to as their ‘best friend(s) since childhood/elementary school/university/military service/first job or whatever. I used to wonder why I never had anyone that I could refer to as that, and I eventually got to the blatant conclusion that it’s due to my moodiness, and because of my ever-changing and perhaps evolving personality that I keep on moving on from certain phases of my life to the next rather quickly, without fully living or experiencing the previous periods. Another thing is that I might tire from people when things get rather customary and predictable. I don’t know really, familiarity breeds contempt perhaps? Maybe I am the one who naturally drives people away with time.

OK, let me get to the point, the above has made me reach a conclusion that it is not very likely that I will get to have lifelong ‘best friends’ or even get married. Not that the world is missing out on anything really, just another lunatic whom decided to spare you for his endless crap & nonsense

Long live reclusiveness

Vicious cycles

June 20, 2009 (The date that this was actually typed out on, just didn't feel comfortable posting it right away)

Engrossed in quite a few (Well, at least a couple), and in all honesty (Which I something that I seemingly do not posses any of anymore) it sucks

Well, at least one loses their trust in you and in turn you lose your trust in someone else, karma is a b***h

Questioning the simplest things about myself that I’ve taken for granted... Should take a break from everything and everyone, note to self: some people are just not good (i.e. me). It’s not the age I’m in, it’s not the people, it’s simply me.

Maybe everything I do breeds contempt, not only familiarity…

TyDi feat. Audrey Gallagher - You Walk Away

With the night behind you
You walk away, and I will find you
We are locked in this emotion
We will find the way home

And it's too late
To regret the mistakes we made
Easier to walk away
And it's too late
To remember all the words we say
Nothing will ever be the same

When the world surrounds you
You take your place with me, behind you
These are every word unspoken
This is our way home

And it's too late
To regret the mistakes we made
Easier to walk away
When the world surrounds you
You walk away...

And it's too late
To regret the mistakes we made
Easier to walk away
And it's too late
[To remember] all the words we say
Nothing will ever be the same

And it's too late
To regret the mistakes we made
Easier to walk away
You walk away...

Thanks to "STSFD"

Familiarity…

Familiarity…

Inspired by a ‘sista’ from another mother, SA…

Familiarity breeds contempt… I don’t know what brought that expression to mind, but it’s been lingering in my head for the past few days, it basically opens up my naïve, oblivious and undiscerning eyes to a small, yet crucial aspect of human interactions…

I shall vow to keep my distance and not get close to anyone, regardless of the gender or nature of the relationship (Working/professional, mere acquaintance or even a potential partner). That is unless it is willingly sought after by both parties (Obviously does not have to be written in stone, it may be on a subconscious level)

When you veer away from getting too engaged and involved with something and/or someone, you somehow ensure some peace of mind, it allows you to retain some ability to observe see, analyze and judge things as an outsider, because you are not fully-engrossed with whichever thing it may be, it removes the personal bias and similarly it preserves some neutrality to a certain extent… I hold no regrets, I might come across as a remorseful person sometimes, but at the end of the day, everything happens for a reason and it is all God’s will, as we Muslims say "قدر الله و ما شاء فعل"...... We learn from life, perhaps it’s good to mess up every once in a while, it’s a learning curve of life, part and parcel of ‘growing up’…

One further snippet of random thoughts- It is ironic that beneath fancy façade of each and every one of us hides a character that is far, far from perfect… Sadly some hide their respective blemishes rather well and draw everyone around them to their nonexistent traits… Would rather refer to as the Souness Nobody’s vs. Everybody’s Fool Syndrome…

What a pity… Many people definitely know how to talk the talk, too bad you’re massively lacking on the walk the walk department (Worse enough, arguing about being more than capable walking the walk when sparing us your and hollow words and lies certainly does you more good than harm)… There’s a smart tactic called ‘damage limitation’, it does not only exist in wars and battles, extends to way beyond that…

Couple or so people very, very worthy of a salutation:
S- I don’t care if I don’t interact with you for ‘eons’ so to speak, I/we don’t need to… It’s the type of unique thing where you don’t have to go through the typical formalities of staying in touch and all that crap that is so cliché … X

D- Well, you’re adorable in every single ‘snacking’ way =)

M- I wish ‘they’ could see you the way I see you...

G- I wish you would get off that edge and come back to your senses sooner rather than later… Hope it’s not too late, because you’re losing your real friends to gain some plastic friends… Trust me fella, it will be a very painful fall from grace when you fall down from that throne that you happen to be sitting on so high up there in the clouds…

L- Miss you!

I- Such a shame… Expected way more, too bad the fake façade is overwhelmingly convincing in your case

Just for the effing record

I am only writing this up to remind myself of the happenings of the 1st of March, 2009.

It is a day when the victim and the convict were found out to be the same person, and the judge, the witnesses, the attorney and perhaps every other living creature in or around a courtroom that may exist (Including that bird that happens to be taking a dump outside the window that overlooks the courtroom).

Today was just further proof of the self-inflicted misery that I put myself in. I simply need to change to the better… I don’t know what to add really, I’m ashamed of myself… I have always thought that you lot were naïve and somewhat foolish, but I have proven to myself that I am not any better, I actually turned out to be even worse, with little or no self-respect or realization of one’s self worth and having little, or no dignity…

I will be fine, you lot will be fine… One day my head might be sorted out

p.s. Z, N & D – I :heart: you

Ina Lillah...

When you think you have problems, think twice

When you tend to wonder what has gone wrong in your life, think twice

When you’ve just spent days whinging about immaterial and trivial matters and then something of that magnitude comes and delivers that long due slap in your sorry face, you realize that perhaps it’s not as bad as you might have thought…

You assume that things should take a certain pattern in life, in some magical due course, when they don’t take that course for a certain person, the first thing that comes to ‘mind’ in our short-sighted, critical and naïve thoughts is “what went wrong?”… Well, here is the deal for you and me, things do not necessarily “go wrong”, you might be the best thing since fucking sliced bread, but there is a small, tiny fact of life that is known as fate.

Someone passed away in our extended family earlier today, youngest amongst their siblings, out of the blue, had no symptoms whatsoever on the few occasions we met, but death knows has no age criteria, it has no prerequisites, it just happens… He might be in a better place now… I hardly really knew him, but that is irrelevant I reckon… Life and fate’s twists and turns…

...

"It's not in my hands who I feel for"