And here is your late, late doze of bullsh*t

Well, another late, late night update… Here I am in my cold room lying on my bed, supposed to be reading about China’s fascinating culture, but I keep distracting myself from studying for the upcoming midterms.

I don’t understand life, I don’t understand where I stand in this world and I certainly have no clue what lies in the future… Why do things happen? How are things related in this vicious cycle called life? Why don’t I understand things unless I was thoroughly engrossed in them or if I came to know of them from the very start?

Those feelings that suddenly appear from nowhere hurt, moments of worthlessness and futility haunt me, willingness to disprove myself disappears when faced with my indifference in yet another stunning vicious cycle of eternal internal conflict.

Also: Am I living on a whole different planet to everyone else?! Why is it so hard to integrate?! I am thankful that I am not desperate at all to fit-in with any group as I am fully-convinced after 19 years which make up my relatively short life so far that I will never fully be part of a group or a particular cult no matter how hard I try. I cannot be arsed really nowadays but it surprises me how hard it is for me while it is so natural to others… Anyway, one thing I learned from my adorable, beautiful and amazing soul mate and the few decent people I can consider good friends: If one likes you, they would like you for who you are, not for whom they want you to be or due to materialistic and shallow reasons such as how you look or dress for instance or your credit limit (Which is still non-existent anyway in my case).

Sometimes I wonder: What -and why-the f**k am I BSing, seems it’s a new hobby.

One last note: As usual, God bless you bibi! Hehe, I should be trying to sleep now if there is any chance of making it today, but heck, challenges are lovely :)